So you’ve decided you want a human baby. This could be a good decision, human babies can be useful for many things, including overbearing, unconditional and unstoppable love, much like a dog, but without the ability to leave them in the house to go out. As an equestrian, the process of acquiring a human baby might be confusing, but luckily I’m here to explain it for you fully, in terms you’ll understand.
Timing
One of the frequent questions that comes up is “When should I have my baby?” Well, it’s simply a matter of figuring out your show schedule for the next three to five years, determining when you can take a break of about 2 full years, and doing it then. You also must consider your own age. There’s nothing wrong with older mares giving birth, but do keep in mind that older mares are more likely to have twins. Believe me, it happens. Beware. It’s frowned upon to pinch one off.
Realistically speaking, it can be very difficult to plan out exactly when to try for a baby. Some mares get pregnant immediately, and with others it takes a while. The best guidelines would be don’t have it too young while your growth plates are still lining up, but then also don’t wait too long. A good option would be to wait until you have proven yourself in your chosen discipline. But also make sure you to wait until you have enough to afford the stud fee and foal expenses.
Finding an Suitable Stud
When searching for a stud, think about your qualities and what would compliment them. The ideal stud will have a pleasing face, with large, expressive eyes and a kind demeanor. It is important that he already be producing income as it makes it easier to pay for all the things a baby requires. Check to see if he’s produced any other offspring, and you can see what kind of traits he throws. You can also check further and see what his full siblings look like and have accomplished, and what his sire and dam have done. It’s a good idea to see what your baby could be capable of/ see what kind of drama you will never, ever, for the rest of your life, get away from.
Be prepared to pay a large stud fee of a random, unknown, variable amount as you go on dates, combine your lives, and make expensive life purchases together. Unfortunately budget studs, or even very expensive studs, have no coloration on the actual quality. You must determine if the stud is quality through careful management and guesswork.
Gestation
Humans have the upper hand here – our gestation is only 9 months vs. a horse’s 11 months. You’ll be extremely thankful for that in those final weeks, when all you want is to get that baby out of you. Much like a mare, there are certain grasses and/or foods you’ll want to avoid to ensure the best possible outcome for your offspring. A brief list includes caffeine, alcohol, deli meat, sushi, and unpasteurized dairy. I know it’ll be hard to give up your risk of internal parasites, but sadly, it is the price we have to pay.
There’s fun perks, like your hair will be lush and beautiful. Enjoy it while you can because it all falls out after the baby is out.
While you sit around and wait for the baby to be prepared, there are numerous other things you can do to occupy your time. Obsessing over the decision of what materials that come in close contact with your baby is a good one. Making sure the various pens you’ll put your baby in are in good condition is another. Others include looking for special music that promises to make your baby smarter. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for it’s eventual discipline.
The Birth
It’s recommended that you give birth in a hospital, and not out in the lawn or your stall/room. It does stink having to travel to see the vet when you could just do what your body does naturally, but it’s harder for human doctors to travel to your residence should something go wrong. That’s not normally a thing, they prefer you always ship in to see them.
In the weeks leading up to your birth, your doctor will frequently check on everything down there, basically waiting for the baby to open up the door. But, despite modern medicine, and also being a human that is able to talk, you still have no idea when your baby is actually going to arrive. It could be the day predicted, or it could be some seemingly random day. Chances are that you will be so uncomfortable and over being pregnant that you’ll spend the last weeks looking for methods of getting that baby out of you.
Well, one day it’ll be the day, and that baby will be coming out of you. Although this is a process that has existed since the beginning of humans, be prepared to feel confused, upset, and grossed out by much of what is happening. Really it’s best to just not focus on this part. There’s a reason they put up a sheet so you can’t see. Although you probably won’t notice or care in the moment, be ready afterward for the photos your stud may take while you are actively working to get the baby out. You might see a bit more than you bargained for in those.
Caring for The Baby
Your baby is finally here. Yay, it’s finally happened! Now that you spent the last nine months focusing exclusively on being pregnant, you suddenly need to shift your focus to being exclusively on the baby. Just forget about all that pregnancy stuff, doesn’t even matter anymore. In fact, you’ll probably forget much of the information you gathered in an attempt to be prepared.
Your baby is small, weak, and completely helpless. This might seem like a huge disappointment compared to a foal, as they are up walking around within hours. Not just walking around, but self feeding, and checking out the world. Your baby won’t be. Your baby will be a squishy potato for the next 4-6 months that you have to micromanage. It’s more like an orphan foal. Plan to feed your baby every few hours, and spend most of your time trying to get it to sleep while it screams at you.
When you take your baby home, you’ll wonder why you’re being trusted with it, what qualifications you have to take care of it. It’s so small and delicate and taking care of it seems like the hardest thing you could ever do. What if you mess up? What if you don’t know what to do?
As long as the baby is drinking, breathing, and still alive, you’re probably doing alright. The first few days feel overwhelming but your attempts to figure out how to make it stop screaming will eventually be successful. Here’s a hint though, it either wants food, to sleep, or to be held. Doing one or more of those things will make it stop.
Hopefully this guide helped you navigate this confusing time period. You may find that creating babies is such a fun and easy process, you can start up a breeding farm. This could be both fun and profitable! (Not profitable for you, profitable for the huge billion dollar baby industry.)
Good luck out there!